he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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