do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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