u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
