she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
