my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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