i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
