Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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