I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
