i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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