Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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