I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
