just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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