what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
