I want to stick my p in your. b.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
