you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
