I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
