I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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