i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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