All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The adults are the big ones right?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
