2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
