Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
