I think im going to throw up on grandma
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
