I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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