its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
