I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
