sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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