your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
