SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
