I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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