my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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