Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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