so that wasnt chicken after all
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
