I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
