WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
