I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
