Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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