Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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