so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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