I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
