You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How many fucks given?
0.12846
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
