By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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