Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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