Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
