Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
