Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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