Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
