I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
