im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
