she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I can't turn off my feet"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
