I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
